I think that I've finally realized that a huge source of my anxiety, stress, worry, fear, dp, is that I don't trust God and I don't trust those in my life who can give me the comfort and safety that I so deeply crave. I feel, in so many ways, that my inner child never grew up and I've always craved the type of love and security that children are supposed to get from their parents. I know that when I left my parents' house and got married the first time, my child like attachment went from my parents to my ex. And I think that maybe the thing that screwed me up more than anything was that I latched onto him like another lifesource and he abused me and left me without any sense of safety at all. I had to grow strong and calloused to be able to survive in the world on my own and I suffered very deeply mentally and emotionally from that experience. And, to my surprise, letting go of that callousness has been much more difficult for me than I ever would have imagined. I guess it's a safeguard that I built for myself and began to deeply fear the vulnerability that letting go of that safeguard would cause me, even if the comfort and security that I am so desperate for is only attainable by lowering those walls. All of this came into my conscious understanding not too long ago and with it, I made the decision to let go, to make myself vulnerable, to allow my inner child to attach to my husband and let myself be protected, be loved, be held in safety. Let me tell you, it feels like gulping down cool water when you've been in a desert for days without any. Only, my heart has been a desert for over a decade and even with every ounce of love and affection he pours into me, I find myself frantic and thirsty for more. It's soothing and freeing and I find myself feel more at peace and happy. We spent the weekend away together this past weekend and he had Monday off as well and I realized that through parts of it, particularly Monday, I was completely relaxed physically and reality felt like it would come back any second. The dp was lighter, the film thinner, reality just right there. That's incredibly remarkable for me. That is HUGE. The ability to feel physically relaxed is something that I haven't been able to grasp and has been a huge issue for me for a long time. I feel that it, along with allowing myself to trust God and trust the protection and provision of my husband, will be the keys to my recovery. I also recently have started to try out different strains of Satvia in hopes that their properties will help me in my effects to attain relaxation as well and have found that they do relax me but the effects are much more short lived than I had hoped. The physical relaxation and euphoria are wonderful but it does come along with some detachment and feeling funny mentally, which I don't like. Coming down, clarity returned but my anxiety returned right along with it.